So as many of you may be surprised to hear, I am a very prejudiced person. Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t do barbarous or primitive prejudices based on ridiculous pseudoscience like race or ethnicity, but I still judge people over a lot of things that some misguided people may regard as petty or ignorant.

For instance, in Europe, I divide countries into categories of barbarian and non-barbarian. Slavs, Turks, Balkans, Spainards, Greeks, Celts, Italians and Central Asians are what I consider the sophisticated Europe. Rich histories, lots of philosophy, tradition, civilisation, religious and cultural diversity, these are the good parts.

Then you got the barbarians. Germans, French, Balts, English, Austrians, East Germany redeemed itself I suppose, but western and northern Europeans are by and large very primitive. Their cultures are monotone, they like hegemonies, and war, and exploitation and self-aggrandisement, they all use the same alphabet and each century one of them is plotting for world domination. It’s a ridiculous state of affairs.

And don’t get me started on Iceland, they figured out how to make the alphabet even worse. Quit using thorns like we’re at the renaissance faire. And also they’re called telephones, just call them telephones, the rest of Europe thinks you’re all witches.

Also monarchism, even the republics manage to behave like monarchisms somehow, it’s embarrassing. Looking at you Finland.

And on top of that, their libraries and book stores are disappointing to say the least, and they keep American flags in their shop windows like a bunch of enemy collaborators.

And they always wear stupid T-shirts. With nonsensical postmodern designs like “1868 — Old Yard House”, accompanied by some clip art illustration of a wooden barrel encircled by laurels, and I just stand there trying to decipher what precise fever dream that brought on this madness.

Their politicians all wear navy blue suits and wide rim glasses, and they all say the same thing in a million different ways, their citizens are meek and law abiding even though the laws make no sense.

And then you got the food. There are more things in a kitchen than boiling water and salt. And also everything is either vaguely German or vaguely French, you can tell who’s been winning all the wars during the 1700s. Also they rely far too much on onions. Quit using onions for everything, it’s ridiculous just how many onions you all go through.

And worse yet: No guns, nobody has any guns. Except for the criminals, and I don’t care for that because their stupid gunfights kept me up at night. Frankly, to all Baltic gangsters out there: Learn how to aim. Don’t keep people up at night with your 20 minutes long gunfights, just get a good shot in and be done with it, people have work in the morning.

Just look at Lebanon: Whenever they fire their guns in the air it’s during business hours, that’s just sensible.

It’s a wasteland, an absolute wasteland. Dressed up in a high budget stolen from real people elsewhere. Obviously I have no recourse but to look down upon these pitiful societies.

So yes, of course I look down on people, it’s normal, and don’t even get me started on America. I won’t because Americans are absolute snowflakes who can’t handle criticism since they think the whole world is just one big outlet store and that the customer is always right, as evidenced by far too many of the replies I get. I’M NOT STAFF, YOU DO NOT PAY ME TO DO THIS.

Also cars. Cars are the worst. Real civilisations build temples and monuments, not parking lots.

I could go on, but I think I have made my point. So, what do we do in this situation? As you can see I can list numerous crimes, many of which could be regarded as unforgivable.

But does that mean I behave badly? Does that mean I fight barbarism with barbarism? Of course not. I’m not one of them. Instead I lead by example, like a real civilised person would. I show a great deal of patience and temperance when I am approached by their backward superstitions about how to regulate the exchange rate or why Maynard Keynes is anything except for a dietary option to the brownshirts.

I explain to them how life really works, through careful study and consideration, I don’t point out how everything they’ve done up until this point has been an embarrassing failure that’s threatened the very continuity of our species. Because that wouldn’t be very productive, now would it?

Granted, it is difficult since a lot of these people are raised on needing emotional validation every 5 seconds, and if you fail to appease this hemorrhaging ego then they get all snippy and weird with you, but even so, let’s try, yes?

Let’s try to explain to people from the US how, if you can see the bottom of the cup, then it’s not really coffee. Let’s try to explain to the French how, no actually, the Caribs do not “owe you one.” Let’s try to explain to the Germans how they can either be polite, or rude, but that it’s just weird and confusing to do both at once. Let’s try to explain to the English that they do not have any real problems, because they are the real problem.

Let’s be reasonable, and learn how to coexist through the pursuit of knowledge. This is what will redeem us all.



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Scholar, minister, musician, engineer, technician, reformed criminal